You’ll never be enough, for the ones who leave.
The truth is, you were not enough for them to stay. And that’s okay.
I was here.
I gave my all, I did my best.
Why wasn’t it enough?
it felt heavy.
the shame of not being worthy of someone choosing to stay.
it hurt.
the sorrow of losing someone because they saw parts of me they didn’t like,
parts of me they didn’t want to be around anymore.
And it still hurts.
Did I not do enough?
I began hating myself, desperately wanting to change parts of me to fit
who I thought you would have preferred me to be.
Was I not enough
for you to just leave like that,
even after all the promises you made?
Was I really not enough?
I was here.
I was fully here.
But the truth is that it wasn’t enough for you to stay.
Those were some of the louder thoughts that ripped through my mind,
sinking tears back into my eyes and a gasping ache that eventually led to a numb heart.
This is my journey with having gone through several experiences
of people choosing to set distance between us.
Specifically,
people who held such bolded, concrete places in my heart.
People who I felt like I made a 100% effort to be there for,
and they chose to uproot themselves and walk away.
I’ve come a long way since,
mentally and emotionally,
and this article is my invitation for you to enter my space for a bit.
Read, and receive only the messages that would serve you most for your own journey.
When the voices in your head get louder than usual,
I want you to first,
breathe.
slowly, deeply.
Your breaths will draw in strength,
to exhale some of that weight in your heart,
and to expand that tightness in your chest.
Now, here’s what I have for you,
as I journey through my own pain.
You’re here.
Feeling all that you’re feeling, and hurting right where you are hurting.
Be it a friend, a lover,
or a family member,
it isn’t easy to have someone choose to walk out of your life.
Whether they packed up and left permanently,
or whether they are still physically present
but mentally and emotionally distant from you now,
it isn’t easy.
And if their choice to leave, has left you wondering
why your best just wasn’t enough for them to stay?
Please, I need you to begin telling yourself that
it is what it is, and it’s okay.
It could seem like you have all the evidence in the world to prove that you really weren’t enough for them to stay.
And I’ll be honest with you;
if they left even when you gave your all,
if they left, even
when you chose to be there with them
and you did your best to love and care for them?
Your best wasn’t enough for them to want to stay.
And your best, will probably never be enough for them to stay.
Because,
here’s the thing, dear you;
you’re not going to be enough for everyone.
If you were, you’re just a chameleon changing your colours to fit the likes and dislikes of all those around you.
You’re not going to be enough for everyone.
But you will be enough, for the very people
who already do see the beauty and worth in you.
You will be enough for them.
You don’t need to do anything more for them to appreciate and love you as you dearly are.
So, this article is for you.
But mind you,
it’s a journey.
Reading this today, isn’t going to transform the way you see yourself overnight.
So, here’s what has helped me through my darkest nights.
Every time your thoughts begin screaming at you,
every time your heart pales as it whispers quietly, “Was I not enough?”
Slowly, but gently,
place a hand over your heart.
Keep breathing deeply.
And as you say it over
and over again,
“I wasn’t enough for them, and it doesn’t say ANYTHING about the love I deserve.”
Allow your words to seep right through your chest.
Until the day you truly believe what you say,
I hope you keep choosing to be with your pain.
To be with your running conversations,
with only gentleness and patience.
To be there with yourself, as you journey through your brightest and darkest moments,
EXACTLY the way you were there with the ones who left.
If they deserved that much of you,
why don’t you deserve that of yourself too?
love,
Valerie.
