If you find it hard to understand someone, this could also be why.

You asked, they gave their answers,

but you still don’t understand.

You asked, they gave their answers,

but were you really listening?

Or were we listening with a preset filter positioned snugly over our ears, ready to only capture what aligns with what we already think we know?

“He’s just going to deny, because obviously he thinks this isn’t a huge matter”

“She’s definitely going to say no, because she’s guilty”

“He’s not responding immediately, omg I knew it I KNEW HE DOESN’T CARE”

“Look. She ended up not choosing me. All those times she said she loved me, she lied.”

Most times, we listen not to hear what they have to say

for what it is,

but to confirm a hypothesis that we have already formulated in our minds.

It’s either confirming it, or rejecting that hypothesis;

there’s no other outcome available.

Unfortunately, these hypotheses we create,

come rooted deeply in specific beliefs we have of the world,

and of ourselves.

As a result,

we conveniently leave out all other possibilities of what could be.

Maybe it isn’t that he doesn’t see this matter as significant;

maybe he does, but he’s denying it because he isn’t yet ready to talk about it. Maybe he needs time and space, before the 2 of you discuss this again.

Maybe it isn’t guilt she’s feeling; maybe it’s shame. Maybe she said no, because it’s hurting her. Maybe she said no, because there’s something else in the way.

Maybe he does care; but he’s not responding because he doesn’t know how to. Maybe this is new for him. Maybe this has happened before, and the outcome of that was unpleasant so he’s being careful this time round.

Maybe it’s not that she doesn’t love you; maybe it’s out of love that she didn’t choose you. “I love you” doesn’t mean “I choose to be with you”. “I love you” could mean “I choose you”,

which doesn’t always mean, “I choose to always be with you”.

I’m not saying we are to give reasons for them showing up a certain way.

I’m saying we have got to be aware of our own internal conversations,

those preset filters that automatically get switched on.

I’m saying you have got to switch those off, before you hear them out.

So that it allows you and whoever you’re speaking to, to work based on what truly is being said,

instead of what you assume is being said.

We live in our own Netflix drama series.

Each and every one of us.

It comes on very naturally, the tendency to tell ourselves stories around what actually is being presented to us,

stories that operate from our own core beliefs and internal conversations.

It’s one of the ways our mind and hearts have learnt to use,

to ‘protect’ us.

But I need you to be aware this is happening,

so that you can better catch yourself in times whereby it matters.

Catch yourself allowing your own biased stories to run the conversation.

Then, try again,

with those filters dialled down as much as you can.

It makes a huge difference,

especially in the relationships that matter most to you.

love,

val