If you find it hard to understand someone, this could be why.

You don’t know.

You don’t yet know the complete set of thoughts and emotions that engineered their actions and behaviours.

We often judge quickly, sometimes too quickly, without bothering to ask what’s going on for them.

We slip to the other side, with only our assumptions about their rationale,

and an absence of fullypresent listening.

And if you don’t know, and you respond from what you think you know,

that’s the most convenient breeding ground for miscommunication.

We often love to think we know best.

Me, you, and probably you too.

We are masters at creating stories from the pieces we see,

but we often forget that what’s as abundant,

is what we fail to see.

It’s tough to take that courage and lay lower our ego,

to open up that space,

to ask deeper, ask more.

Why are you angry at him?

What exactly are you angry at? His actions, the outcome of his choices, or at him for something he did in the past?

Why did you do that?

Why does this even matter to you?

We often hold back from asking, because we don’t want to hear the real answers.

We often hold back from asking, because we want to maintain the status quo

of how the stories that float within our minds are the ‘right’ versions.

We struggle to ask about what’s true, because of the potential discomfort that could arise

from learning that what we think is,

isn’t actually it.

When your mum gets mad, you can choose to launch into a series of reactive behaviours

and retaliate to her anger with your own anger.

You can choose to void all responsibility, and let her take it all;

“She’s being unreasonable. She’s being moody. This isn’t something she should even be mad at.”

You can also choose to pause, breathe deep, and remind yourself that this is a woman you love and care for.

It’s us against the miscommunication,

it’s us against the insufficient information we have about how each other is thinking and feeling.

When your boyfriend does something that upsets you, you can choose to spin right straight into your puddle of insecurities.

Lash out at him and begin weaving together your own version of why he did what he did.

You can also choose to pause, breathe deep, and remind yourself that this is a man you love.

This is a man you may want to build a life together with.

This is a man worth embracing the discomforts of a difficult conversation with.

Listen to him.

Listen to all that he’s saying and not saying.

Tell him.

Tell him exactly how you are feeling, why you are feeling this way.

In shakily upsetting times, clarity in communication is so important.

Be brave; talk about what’s real for you.

Ask.

Listen to what’s real for them.

The facts ground us, and distance us from the looming stories that rock us off centre, and possibly,

away from the person sitting in front of you.

So, listen to each other. Be real and absolutely open and vulnerable.

Be clear and kind. Don’t be nice.

If you find it hard to understand someone,

ask yourself if enough has been done

for you to understand them at a level that matters.

love,

val

p.s this is part 1.

Because, maybe you’ve asked, but are you really listening to what they say,

are you really seeing things as they are? (part 2)

And also,

maybe understanding just isn't necessary.

Sometimes, needing to understand just sets you back from your own peace and freedom.

So let’s talk about that too (part 3)