the daisy and her moon.
he called me his daisy.
and he was my moon.
there was this once, he left a stalk of ✿ on my doorstep.
It came with a letter, and I remember the entire scene so clearly. He knew I was upset. He knew it was going to be a long night for me.
And he knew what flowers meant to me too.
there was this once, where he walked past my favourite bakery.
They were pulling down the shutters, and he smoothly ducked under and into the store.
Surprised, and a little stunned, I carefully bent and went under the shutters after him.
When I stood up, my eyes opened to see him playfully bantering with the auntie,
to please allow him to get a bun for me.
there was this once, we were queueing at a bakery.
He was several heads ahead of me; I do take quite a while to pick my breads.
I couldn't hear him, and all I could see was him having conversation with the cashier,
gesturing over the customers standing between us and
pointing right at me.
When it came to my turn, my buns were packed into their little bags and my card was refused, because
"…the gentleman ahead of me insisted he paid for yours too. Here's his card."
there was this once, I turned to look at him,
wondering what he was up to.
My eyes stared right into his, and he smiled.
His stare was endearing, and it never left my face.
there was this once, he was rambling on about this pair of headphones he was considering to buy.
Amusement lay calmly within my heart as I stared at him, observing the way his shoulders shrug,
the way his body leans and stretches, the way his eyes held their darkness.
All while he enthusiastically shared about this particular model of headphones he was intending to get.
there was this once, he was smoking a cigarette.
Pacing around and around the way he does when he's in deep thought.
And as I sat a distance away,
I smiled as I looked at him and how ridiculous he looked,
while thinking to myself,
"I told myself I'll never date a smoker. And who even walks around this much?!
But hmm, I choose you."
there was this once, we were looking through his wardrobe. He’s terrible; he likes a shirt and then buys several of the same.
Absolutely bizarre, adorably dorky.
His eyes suddenly sparked,
that way it does when he suddenly has an idea (that usually ends up wacky).
I was handed a bundle of fabric markers, and was given permission to draw whatever I wanted on one of his shirts.
It remains my favourite drawing of a giraffe, till today.
there was this once, we were walking along the pier.
He suddenly, but gently, took my hand. I remember staring at his face, asking him if anything is wrong.
He shook his head.
And as we continued walking, I slid my fingers through his.
"I love you."
And I wish I had the courage to say that out loud back then.
there was this once, just before he went to order a coffee,
he paused.
And turned back.
He gently cupped under the side of my face, and leant in for a kiss.
My eyes fluttered open.
And he chuckled.
there was this once, as I held onto his shoulders and the wind whipped against our faces,
I found myself beaming.
My heart shone, and this line sang itself over and over again in my heart;
"I'm at the top of the world!"
and then, there was this once.
the very, very first time our souls connected.
His hands were trembling, and my hands closed over his.
It was the moment that started everything.
And as I sit here,
staring at the cars whizzing past me as my heart thuds gently,
but painfully,
in memory and remembrance,
all that's left is a whisper of
"I miss what we had."
After we separated ways, things went in directions that spun more shadows than light.
Ever since I walked away,
and he walked away too,
there was never once where we chose each other again.
We chose only ourselves.
I wanted us back, but it wasn't the same on the other end.
There were only hints, never clear answers. And I took advantage of that to stay.
To keep loving and caring for him because my heart held onto that cell of a hope,
And here’s the very lie I was holding onto, that didn’t allow me to let go.
"Our connection is still there. I feel it, I know he feels it too. We're soulmates, he will come around to see that someday."
There never was anyone to blame in this game.
We both made choices.
And it was just unfortunate that our choices ended up hurting us and each other more than anything else.
These past 3 years, I had to talk to myself countlessly, navigating the memories and questions I had about us.
Each and every phase of the journey I took after the good days, and reconnecting with those 3 years leaves me breathless.
Because it was a lot of pain, emptiness, grief, and a relentless lack of self-forgiveness over my choice to leave.
And I wish to share with you some thoughts that plagued my mind, for you to see that it's okay to be facing your own too.
"Why didn't he stay?"
“Why not me? Which part of me isn’t enough for you?”
“Was our connection just my delusion?”
“Why cant I let him go?”
“Why am I still hurting I DON’T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE”
“I hate him.”
“I hate me.”
“I could have fought back, i could have made things work with him.”
“My heart feels like it’s drowning, please can someone please help me.”
“I wish I gave you more hugs.”
“I wish I didn’t hold back, and held your hand more often.”
“Mummy, why couldn’t you have been more open back then? Daddy, why couldn’t you see that I truly loved him, we had a magical connection and thats really all that your daughter ever wants in ♡?”
“Why didn’t I stay?”
“Can someone please understand me?”
“I wish he could come back. I wish we could come back.”
“I’m broken. i don't know if i can feel happy ever again.”
“Will this pain ever leave me?”
“Will this heartbreak ever go away?”
“I’m scared, will I ever be okay again?”
he called me his daisy.
and he was my moon.
And as this chapter finally closes for me, as I allow myself to finally see the truth of how he has been treating me…
It doesn’t change the fact that I still miss what we had.
Writing this is my way of honouring what meant the moon to me back when I was 18,
honouring what broke, shook, shattered, drained my heart dry these past 3 years.
I’m finally closing this chapter for good.
Because I finally understand what letting go truly means to me.
love,
Valerie.
