I wish I chose you.

What you may never know

was that when I left you back then,

my heart broke into pieces.

And I think, that was when I finally understood what it felt like

to walk away from a love that was for me.

In the months after you,

I fought battles on my own.

Old ones, new ones, they came tumbling in one after another,

laughing and jeering at me as I stumbled and fell.

Pain and numbness became a huge part of my journey, and time and time again,

I had to be the one dragging myself up to keep going.

So hey,

I’m proud to say that I stand here today, with scars and wounds of the past year.

I just wish

there wasn’t this wound carved out in the shape of you.

A wound that has remained as raw as the first day it opened.

---

What I didn’t know back then was that

I began seeking pieces of you,

in every man I met.

The warmth your hugs gave to me,

the intensity in your eyes when they meet mine in a crowded room.

The gentleness lying within the depths of your voice,

and the firmness of your fingers through my hair.

There’s so much more I miss about you,

and each piece cuts its way around the edges of my heart.

“Sometimes, you’re afraid to let them go because they’re what you’re used to. But that doesn’t mean that they’re meant for you. Because a better love exists, and it’s time that you find it by letting go of what’s not right for you.”

— Writingtoinspire

I was afraid to let go of

a love that made me feel less. A love that has convinced me that I am worthy of only less.

And before I was ready to let go,

a better love came for me, in the form of you.

I wish I had the courage to choose you.

I was afraid to let go,

but I was even more afraid

to hold on to you when my own darkness was descending into madness.

How could I ? Why would I ?

Choosing you would mean choosing a love that felt so safe and mine.

And back then,

I couldn’t.

And all that’s left now?

“I wish I chose you.”