You don’t have to be so hard on yourself.

The word “routes” frustrates me tonight.

I don’t want routes.

I want teleportation.

I demanded that of myself when I was young,

and now, it has become a painfully sticky self-expectation.

It has become part of who I am;

to be someone who must do everything well.

Right now.

But I don’t want to surrender to this part of me.

It’s so tiring.

I’ve always been my strictest teacher,

gripping my shoulders till my knuckles turn white,

silently digging my nails into my back until I get things ‘right’.

My boss told me he finishes the script for a book within 2-3 days.

It’s day 2 since I started work, and I find myself saying, “I need to do it that fast too.”

It’s day 4, and I’m already finding myself going,

“I should have done this faster.

(You suck.)

Why am I so slow?

(You’re not good enough to be a writer.)”

It’s malicious, the way I put myself down.

I guess, I’m glad I hold a lot more power over this part of me now.

i guess, I’m glad I find it much easier to step away,

to listen to the other voice in me.

The one that goes,

“Hey, slow down.

You’re pushing yourself so hard.

Come here.

Let’s go slow and steady.

You can push yourself;

just do it while holding your heart softly.

Trust that you’re good wherever you are.

Look at where you were a year ago.

Look at how far you have come.

Look forward now, ahead of you.

See? Those versions of yourself you want to become?

Trust yourself, you will get there.

Let’s move forwards steadily,

patiently.

Grow, day by day.

Growth is not a process to rush.

So, please.

Take a deep breath, and trust.

You will find your way.

Who knows? You may not even end up where you thought you needed to be.

But believe me when I say,

as long as you keep going this way,

while remembering to live fully in your every small win,

your every stretchy moment?

You will get to somewhere that’s beautiful.

Even better still!

Can you see that it’s also beautiful,

this version of you that you currently,

already are?”

There’s some “cool, weird stuff to see along the way”.

I want to see them!

Do come and join me;

let’s have you see yours too.

kindly,

val.