Do not be the one to give up on yourself.
I stared into the vastness of the mountains and the ocean,
the pale grey skies and the looming clouds of rain.
I can feel it, the answer's so close.
Have you ever felt this way?
When the answer feels near enough for you to grab it,
but you just can't seem to get it out?
When the first raindrops began to fall upon the roof,
I groaned in frustration, dropping my head back onto the pillow I'd been using as a headrest.
"FUCK.
YOU.
I HATE HEALING."
My heart was screaming into every space in my body,
while my mind kept me silent;
I really didn't want my AirBNB host team to come running in worry.
They have been so kind.
Also... I didn't feel like explaining myself either.
My eyelids squeezed shut, that dark space in my mind beginning to draw me in.
I can feel a slight tug, a whisper.
It's painful.
I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is,
but I've got a feeling this darkness
is hopelessness.
I hate this space. I want it gone.
"I've done this before, and I can do it again."
Determination flowed through my body in pumps of energy as I shifted my body upright,
putting some distance between me and all that darkness.
I will not give in to my pain. I shall not drown.
Placing a palm on my tummy and the other over my heart,
(these are two areas that I feel most connected to my soul)
I focused all my attention on my breath.
Deep inhales,
deep exhales.
With each breath, I summoned the very things I wanted to fill myself with in this moment,
and expelled the nasty ones.
I'll breathe in
love.
gentleness.
patience.
trust.
faith.
I'll exhale
frustration.
hopelessness.
fear.
anger.
anxiety.
When I felt grounded and closer to peace again, my eyes lifted towards the sky.
I'm scared. Sometimes, this pain feels too much.
I'm scared this pain will always live within me. I'm scared I'll always be stuck in this grief, always be feeling this immense loss within my heart.
I'm really scared.
But for now, I'll keep breathing. I want to keep living my life beyond my grief and heartbreak.
I will not give in.
I shall not give up.
_________________________
Some days, healing feels really awful. Feeling stuck in your journey of healing can be painfully frustrating to realise.
And scary.
I've felt so many moments similar to this in the past 4 years, and it gets horribly tiring sometimes.
Most times, I wanted to give up on my heart and numb myself to all emotions.
And honestly, there were even times I wanted to give up on my life because the pain felt like it was living too long inside me.
I needed someone who could understand what I was feeling, who has been through these moments, who chose to feel the pain, and who chose to live on.
I guess that’s why I’m writing this.
Because the thing about words and sharing of experiences, is that you’ll never know who it could save.
So, I hope that if and when you experience something similar, you remember that you're not alone. I may not completely understand what you're going through, but trust me when I gently remind you that these moments?
They will pass.
They do not define the trajectory of your life, and you will not feel this way forever.
"Of all people, you cannot be the one to give up on yourself."
That's a message that has supported me most in the toughest moments of my healing.
Now, here it is for you too.
love,
val
note: this was written in November 2022, when I spent a month in Bali.
