Contracting: in love and friendships.
Hello : )
This is an article that was inspired from an episode of the CounsellingTutor podcast. I’ll be writing a little about what I picked up from the episode, regarding a crucial element of any counsellor-client relationship, and delve more into how I see this to be something supportive for us as we grow the health of the important relationships in our lives.
My article is going to be split 3-ways, like this;
Contracts in Counselling.
How contracting can bloom your relationship.
And yes, contracting can nurture your friendships too.
andddd let’s go :”)
Contracts in Counselling.
In my first episode of the CounsellingTutor podcast, we learnt about contracting.
Contracts are created between the counsellor and client. As a counsellor, one is required to contract with their clients, and I like the empowering rationale underlying the concept of contracting.
Establishing a contract tells us what we're going to get, what is there to expect, what the counsellor is doing with their clients. What does this counsellor do, what do they not do, what can they offer you? Most clients enter into counselling sessions without full awareness of what to expect, so contracting allows the client to be more well-informed when it comes to counselling. Contracting is thus seen as a way of empowering the client; to remind them that this is their journey, and not the counsellor’s. To have them understand the lines drawn around how the session may proceed with this counsellor, so that it grants them the ability to move freely within the boundaries established. It gifts to the client a sense of freedom.
And actually, the start of this article was already an attempt to contract with you.
Informing you about what you’re going to get from reading this article, so that it empowers you to decide whether or not you wanted to proceed with reading this article. With contracting, comes along a dose of transparency. As much as contracting seems to be something that solely exists in blackandwhites and legal spaces, I now want to ring you in to how
Contracting can support you in your relationships too.
2. How contracting can bloom your relationship.
Specifically, 2 ways.
Contracting can support you and your partner in pursuing openness and honesty in your relationship.
Contracting can also support you and your friend in giving and receiving support to each other.
(line)
Contracting supports you and your partner in pursuing openness and honesty in your relationship.
During one of my previous relationships, my ex (whom I shall refer to as Allen in this article) and I had our fair share of disagreements. Amidst the beautiful moments we shared, a scatter of upsetting moments held their place in the times we spent together, and when I look back, I realise what worked for us was an intentional form of ‘contracting’;
Codewords.
We both agreed to use certain codewords to inform the other of whenever we wish to talk about something serious. This worked pretty well, especially in the events whereby other people were around, or when it’s about a topic that’s not the most comfortable to discuss about. Using codewords is a simple way of contracting in any relationship, because it informs the other party about the nature of the upcoming conversation.
e.g If I wished to discuss about something he was doing that was upsetting me, and we were currently in the midst of something light-hearted, I’ll casually pop the codeword (for us, it was BreadTalk.) “Can we have a BreadTalk later?”
It’s like… a small platform elevating both of you towards the conversation, that allows both of you to work with the awareness of how the conversation is going to be one that requires you to be a certain way. I personally, really like this small way of contracting between 2 partners, because 1) it allows you to still enjoy the current activity you both are engaged with, if need be. 2) It keeps you accountable to having that issue addressed, instead of being shoved under the carpet in the relationship to fester and possibly ballooning into resentment, and 3) it creates transparency between you and your partner.
In any healthy relationship, it’s important for openness and honesty to be the core principles of how the two of you grow what’s between you.
But, we also have to be realistic with ourselves around our capabilities to be 100% open and honest all the time. Sometimes, we just lack the courage to come clean to our partner about how we are really feeling about something, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the current circumstances make it tougher for you to bring up that topic to discuss about, and that’s okay too. Sometimes, your partner or you are in a bad mood and it isn’t an appropriate time to talk about this, and that’s also perfectly okay.
But what’s not okay, is for you to use these as excuses for you to invalidate what’s upsetting you, or to escape the discomfort of being openly honest with your partner. This works in friendships too, though personally, I don’t use codewords between me and my friends… It’s my own preference to keep that form of contracting for the non-existent boyfriend (keke). Cuter.
Anyway. Which brings me to now share with you ANOTHER form of contracting that I use within my relationships.
This one is specifically for friendships. And, it requires a certain extent of vulnerability from you too.
3. And yes, contracting can nurture your friendships too.
Contracting also supports you and your friend in giving and receiving support to each other.
Just saying it as it is.
“ ________, I kind of need your space tonight :”) feeling quite anXiousss because of ______, and I just need you to listen, no need for any advice!!! Would you be able to do that tonight? If not, just lmk when will be good for you”
This form of contracting is one that supports both you and your friend. It supports you, by allowing you to receive what you truly need. It supports your friend, by allowing your friend to come into the conversation knowing what you need, and also allowing them to come into the conversation only when they are ready and willing to hold space for you.
Contracting can exist between you and your friend, in a way that contributes to the health of your friendship. Sometimes, we struggle to seek support.
Not just because we don’t think our struggles or we ourselves are worthy of our friends’ love and care.
We struggle because we ‘don’t know how’ to seek for support.
We struggle because we assume our friends are busy with their work/ family/ love life and we don’t wish to bother them.
We struggle because we reached out for support before, and it ended terribly.
I don’t know which it is for you.
And regardless, I just want to say whichever one it is, your reasons for struggling are all valid.
V A L I D.
But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to receive the kind of support you need most, whether it be in the form of a listening ear, advice, a hug, or a safe presence.
The truth is that you deserve to receive support,
your friend deserves to receive support,
and responsibility lies upon both of you potatoes to make things work. Not just the person who needs support, but also the person giving the support; you both can dance together in this thing you call friendship. And you both can learn to love each other better, always. Friendship is a never-ending work of art.
Okay omg I keep going off-tangent but yes BACK TO CONTRACTING.
Just saying it as it is. It’s awkwardashell and takes hella lot of courage (because we both know you may screw up and your friend may judge you) but I can tell you from experience that it works.
Tell your friend what you need.
And if you don’t know what you need, then tell them you don’t know what you need.
Trust them to still be there with you, trust them to love you the way they can.
(and if they can’t… then this would just be feedback for you about this friendship. That’s all. It’s nothing personal, okay?)
Tell them how you are feeling.
And if you don’t know what’s the emotion you’re feeling, then describe to them how you are feeling.
Trust them to judge you (honestly, we all judge. Always. So I think it’s less about judging, more about what they do with the judgement). Trust them to judge you, and still choose to be with you.
Tell them what’s going on.
You can, but you are not obliged to spill out every single detail to them. It’s your story to tell, and as your friend, they ought respect your choices to tell or not to tell.
You can tell now, or you can tell later. It’s your story to tell, and as your friend, they ought respect your choices to tell now, or tell later.
Just understand that when you tell your story, what’s your intention in doing so? As long as you are clear with why you are, or you’re not, telling them your story, then go for it.
When we can begin practising all 3 of these, we are leaning towards contracting with our friend. When we can begin practising all 3 of these, we are learning to build a deeper connection with our friend. You are giving them the awareness of what to expect when they come to you, what you need from them and what they could give to you that’s best for you. Instead of leaving them guessing about what’s happening for you, you take ownership of your role in this friendship. Instead of leaving them to figure out what you need, you empower your friend to support you in a way that supports them too.
The thing about friendship, is that it goes 2 ways. Both parties put in effort to love and care for each other in ways that speak to each other.
It’s like a relationship; it only thrives healthily when it’s chosen by both of you, not just one. And I’m going to guess that a possible concern for you that holds you back from being open and honest with your friends about how messy you think you are, is about how they may leave you after knowing.
And it’s valid. And real. And possible
.
But all I wish to leave with you, is what I once came across from a page on Instagram;
Your true thoughts and emotions will never ruin a genuine connection. “And if someone leaves after you express them, they were never meant for you to begin with”.
So, back to contracting and how I see its important contribution to our friendships.
I’m presenting this not as the BEST way of asking for support, because I wouldn’t classify myself as an expert at that. This is just a way that I crafted out for myself, by putting together what I learn from listening to Brene Brown’s podcasts, featured interviews, reading her books and also articles relevant to friendships and seeking support when we need it. So, you take whatever will serve you best :)
Contracting doesn’t just have to be kept within the realm of counselling or legal spaces. It can be used as a tool to support you and your partner in growing your relationship, or as a tool to support you and your friend in supporting each other when either of you needs it. I’m writing this article to hopefully deliver this as something that’s empowering for you to receive, and obviously my article-writing isn’t the best yet…?
So please do reach out. I would appreciate all forms of feedback, and would also love to hear about your own thoughts and opinions regarding anything I shared in this piece! And if not, goodnight and here’s to us and all the love we’ve got within <3
love,
val
