When you’re ready to heal.
note: this was written when I was in Bali for a month, in November 2022, so you will see a copy of this in “My Travel Experiences”.
The sun sets early here in Sedimen; actually, it seems like it's Bali in general.
I hoisted my towel over my shoulder, and slipped into the bathroom for a shower.
As the coolness of the water began easing down my back,
a wave of sadness bloomed from a space in my heart.
It became a patch of light clay grey, tainted with splotches of ocean blue.
With every breath, the sadness seeped further into several corners of my body.
I squeezed my eyes shut;
I don't really enjoy this feeling that much.
Stepping away from the stream of water pouring down from above, I drew a slow and deep breath into my chest.
My thoughts flashed back to moments I didn't realise my heart remembered,
and then suddenly, my mind created you.
You’re standing there in my mind, giving me a sad smile.
Why?
I shut my eyes tight. It hurts to look at you.
The version of you I fell in love with.
It hurts right where you took space in my heart.
I'm tired of hurting there.
Shutting off the shower, a sob rose through my chest. I bit down hard on my bottom lip, focusing on my breath as I allowed the wave of emotion to move and ache where it wants to.
Then, when I felt ready and grounded,
my eyes lifted to meet yours for what felt like the first time in years.
A smile quivered on my lips,
and this all feels new.
I feel peace amidst my sadness and all the usual writhing emotions that have always been attached to you.
I forgive myself for walking away from you and all the love we could have bloomed.
I forgive that version of me who chose to let you go.
I forgive that version of me who refused to admit to myself that I missed you for months and years afterwards.
I forgive that version of me who dismissed the love I felt for you.
Sadness,
you left me in blue tears.
And I thank you, for all the ways you’ve stayed with me even when I don’t want you.
When you're ready, your emotions will be waiting. Sometimes, they may hurt so much that our heart and mind protects us by numbing away the intensity of our emotions.
And that's okay.
I want this piece to gently nudge you to see the feelings you may have been rushing away,
when you're finally ready.
Because all our emotions want, is to be seen by us.
Our emotions are wounded versions of our past selves that never got a chance to heal the way they needed to.
So regardless of how long it has been,
can we bring our current selves back to meet those wounded versions of us?
To tell ourselves the things we need to hear back then,
to hold us the way we needed to be held,
to love us the way we deserved to be loved?
We are our best healers.
And only we know what we truly need to move on.
